Friday, May 1, 2009

I Hate Witches


Welcome to Sturbridge, Massachusetts home of the desperate housewives from Hell all following the teachings of the demonic Tammi. All bit- excuse me- witches, but same difference right? Anyways, a witch is a hag who is deluded into making a pact with the devil through persuasion so that she can perform mischievous magic for her own benefit.

Often times women who are believed to have a sixth finger is seen as a sign that she may be a witch.

Witchcraft, as I’m sure we all know from Bewitched, Sabrina, Harry, etc. you get the point, is the magical manipulation of supernatural forces through the use of spells and the conjuring of spirits. Witches can have the abilities of shape shifting, clairvoyance, invisibility, flying, and the ability to kill at a distance. During the medieval ages and the renaissance, it was defined as evil magic, heresy and devil-worship. Despite what Hogwarts may be trying to teach, that’s still the case today.


All spells have a specific kind of formula, which might use incantations, various potions, images, and implements. These elements are designed to gather magical power and direct it towards a specific purpose such as bewitching someone or something to cause some kind of change. These formulas can be spoken over an herbal brew, but typically the best spell incantations are performed at elaborate and mysterious ceremonies of ritual magic.


So, now that you know the basics it’s important to note that there have been several obsessed women throughout the ages similarly to the Coven we ran across in Massachusetts.

Caroline of Brunswick felt that she was constantly being neglected by her husband, so what does she do? What every evil crackpot does. She decides to make a wax effigy of him, sticks pins and thorns into it and only then does she cement the act by melting it in a palace fireplace.

Marie Laveau was the most renowned voodoo queen in North America, the appeal was their magical powers to control one’s lovers, enemies… and sex life. Sounds like another naughty desperate housewife gone psychopath. She was often told all the secrets by women and was able to use these to increase her dastardly powers.

Florence Newton, also known as “the Witch of Youghal,” was accused of bewitching people into fits and then killing them. Elizabeth Sawyer, “the Witch of Edmonton” was accused of bewitching her neighbor’s children and cattle because they refused to buy her broom sticks!


In Africa, the Tswana tribe believed that there are two types of witches those who come out during the day and those who come out during the night. Day Sorcerers, as they were called, used their magic to inflict harm through the use of herbs and other various medicines; while Night Witches were mainly old women who gathered in small groups and then proceeded to travel about bewitching the unfortunate.

Sam forget to include the most disturbing aspect about these old crowes, ready for a nightmare inducing fact? These old hags rode around on broom sticks completely naked, smeared in only white ashes and the blood of the dead. You ask me, that’s the most disturbing image known to man! Getting shivers already just thinking about it…


Witchcraft came to America with the first settlers, but never really became big due to the fact that they were threatened by persecution and death.

The first ever execution and trial took place in Connecticut and continued for several years to come. Few of these ever came to the attention of the public. But the most infamous was the Salem Witch Trials.

It was the most traumatic witch-hunt in the history of man and resulted in multiple deaths. The story goes that at the time there was a strong belief in the devil among the factions of Salem Village fanatics. The recent small pox epidemic and threat of warring tribes did nothing to ease their fears. In 1689, the villagers won the right to establish their own church and chose Reverend Samuel Parris, a former merchant, as their minister.

Paris had a nine-year old daughter, Betty. Betty and her cousin Abigail Williams delighted in the mesmerizing tales spun by a Barbados slave who spoke of the future. These girls invited several of their friends to share in this forbidden diversion.

All eight girls, between the ages of 11-20, began to show signs of being possessed by a demon. It was believed they may have been inadvertently affected by these tales. They contorted themselves, cowered under chairs and shouted nonsense. Soon several other girls, as a result of this hysteria, started to show signs of being possessed such as Mary Warren a servant from the house of Elizabeth and John Proctor. Naturally the puritans turned to the supernatural, there was only one answer- witch craft!

Finding witches became an unhealthy crusade that would soon harm more people than originally intended. People and the public caught on soon enough and became highly alarmed because any one of them could be accused of witchcraft!

Tituba, the Barbados slave, came forward in 1692 and confessed that the devil had come to her and bided her to serve him. Villagers were spellbound by her tales of black dogs, red cats, and a white-haired man who had her sign the devil’s book. There were several undiscovered witches, she said, and they all yearned to destroy the Puritans!

To get out of their bad doings the girls started naming people as witches. All in all they had named 150 people from all backgrounds.


The English Village of Canewdon was referred to as “the Witch Country” because many of the witches from this county were renowned for their power to halt machinery and wagons by a single penetrating look or by turning themselves into wheels, and at various times were accused of sending plagues of lice and other unpleaseant creatures against their enemies.

England also had the first witch in the records to be executed, Agnes Waterhorse, her daughter Joan and Elizabeth Francis were trialed and put to death on July 1566.


A grimoire is a weighty and nearly impenetrable book of black magic written in dead languages. Some superstitions claim that grimoires must be in manuscript and in red ink, bound in black or human skin.

Two of the most famous grimories are the Key of Solomon and the Lesser Key of Solomon, also known as The Greater Key and The Lemegeton. Some people believed these were written by King Solomon himself, whereas others believed they were written by demons and given to the king.

Another grimoire is the Grimoire of Honorius, a catalogue of fallen angels and how to raise them, “it not only instructed priests in the arts of demonology but virtually ordered them to learn how to conjure and control demons, as part of their job.”

In Neo-Pagan, the Book of Shadows is the personal hand-written book of a modern neo-pagan coven or witch. Many covens have a group Book of Shadows, while solitaries keep one for themselves.

Another grimorie is “the Necromicon.” Wait- the Necromonicon? Yep. The one and the only. A book supposed to have been written by the black wizard Abdul Al-Hazred who lived in Sanaa in Yemen 700 AC. The book is also referred to as “the whispers of demons.” It’s a compilation of spells, recipes and other texts taken from older grimories. Where’s Ash when you need him?


Sabbats were often held in remote and quiet places such as ruins and remnants of ancient temples, mountaintops, forests and abandoned churches. They always occurred at night on special occasions such as October 31st, Samhain, the feast of the Ancestors and Witch’s New Year; the pagan cults believed that the two worlds, the physical and the spiritual, drew closer on this date and that ghosts and apparitions of the dead could roam about the physical plane.

Other Sabbats include: March 22 (Eostre), August 1 (Lammas), December 22 (Yule), May 1 (Beltaine), September 21 (Mabon), Feburary 1 (Imbolc), and June 22 (Litha).


Anyways, now that I’ve got Sam out of the room it’s time for me to finally spill my guts. And no, I don’t mean that in a literal sense. My clock is ticking and my time is running out. Sam’s trying to prepare himself for my death by making himself more like me- show no mercy, wipe the evil suckers out of here before they cause any more damage. The one guiding him is this demon named Ruby. Thought that was bad enough. But, guess what? My luck keeps getting worse by the minute. Turns out Ruby and most of the other demons once were human. Yep, that’s right. Human. All of them. The whole god damn lot went to hell, forgot what it felt like and turned against mankind. Except Ruby, somehow maintained her certain sense of humanity- but demons are known to lie…

I’m going to hell soon… I, well you get the point.

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